Here is Gone
by wondertross
Summary: Alec reflecting on Max after HG. Short songfic.


Title: Here is Gone  
  
A/N: Okay, this is a little post HG fic from Alec's point of view. I've never written a song fic before, but this one just fit so well, so I thought I'd give it a go. I'll hopefully have the next chapter of Mind Games up soon for all those wondering. Have fun, and don't forget to REVIEW!!!!!! Lol  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine....blah blah blah blah blah The song belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls.  
  
~*~  
  
I don't feel like eating right now, even though I have leftovers in my fridge. The TV's on, but I swear to God I can't tell if it's cartoon reruns or the news. Why can't this be easier? Why can't you let me know what you want? I feel something there, just below the surface, and damn it, I hate you for making me care. I'm supposed to be the smart one about all this, aloof.  
  
Am I making this all up in my head? I can't tell Max. I want to be here for you, but you make it so hard for anyone to get close, especially for a guy that doesn't know how to get to someone. You were crying. You never cry, and of all things over my brother. I wanted to say something more than "I'm sorry," but that seems to be all I can ever say to you. Why do you make me care if I disappoint you? And why the hell can't I just say what I want to say? I kissed you, but not where I wanted to kiss you. And we talked, but I didn't say what was really on my mind.  
  
/You and I got something  
  
but it's all and then it's nothing to me, yeah.  
  
And I got my defenses  
  
when it comes to your intentions for me, yeah./  
  
I don't know what there is for me to say that will make you stop blaming me for everything! I'm sorry for the virus, I'm sorry for trying to kill Joshua, hell I'm even sorry about Logan. How many times do I have to say the words before they mean something to you?  
  
It's not my fault Max, no matter how much you want it to be. And I know, I know it's only because I'm here, a ready and available target for your anger. And after last night I don't feel like I know anything about us. I don't know how to deal with this hollow feeling when you're not around. And you're here, in my arms, but you're always thinking about somebody else.  
  
/I'm not the one who broke you  
  
I'm not the one you should fear.  
  
We've got to move you darlin.  
  
You talk to him Max, so talk to me! Tell me what it is you're thinking, because all this not knowing is making me nuts. You even talk to Cindy and Sketchy more than you talk to me. They can't understand you the way I do, they were never like us, but you won't even admit that to yourself, let alone me. I promise I'll hold on. I won't let you fall.  
  
/I thought I lost you somewhere  
  
but you were never really ever there at all  
  
and I, want to get free, talk to me  
  
I can feel you fallin'  
  
and, want to be, all you need  
  
somehow here is gone yeah/  
  
You've called me poison, and I'm half inclined to agree with you. Even when I'm trying to be the "stand up kind of guy" you want me to be I mess it up. White used me to get to you, and for that I'm sorry, but now I feel like you're using me to get to Logan. And I know you're not sorry. That's not the way Max. You should never do that to someone you care about.  
  
/I have no solution  
  
to the sound of this pollution in me, yeah  
  
and I was not the answer  
  
so forget you ever thought it was me/  
  
I'm not Ben. I can't help it, and I'm sorry that when you look at me you have to see his face. I'm sorry you ahve to remember. Why am I suddenly back to saying sorry? I'm tired of saying those stupid words. I don't need this. I could have anyone, and you torture me. Do you even comprehend how I feel when you look at me, and all I see is pain?  
  
But being compared to Ben isn't even the worst part. I went to find you on the Needle, and I could sense your disappointment. I feel it whenever you touch me, and wish I was someone else. I can't be Logan for you, no more than I could be Ben. You may have finally left him, but you're nowhere near letting him go. I'm here Max, and I'm not leaving, I promise. You could tear out my heart a thousand times and I'd still be here, because yes, I'm just that self-masochistic, but I don't need this.  
  
/And I don't need the fallout  
  
Of all the past that's in between us  
  
And I'm not holding on  
  
I know you're life well enough to keep me here/  
  
What I need from you Max, is for you to look at me one time, without looking for something else in my face. I'll be your friend for as long as you want me, and more if you ever ask it of me, but I know you won't. I try, but the words get stuck. You always look past me, through me, but maybe today was different. And then again, maybe today was exactly the same, and I'm seeing something that was never there. I won't let go, let you spiral down this dark abyss. I'm here. We can get through this Max, whatever White has planned, if we go together. I know it's out there Max. We're out there.  
  
/I know it's out there.  
  
I know it's out there.  
  
I can feel you fallin.  
  
I know it's out there,  
  
I know it's out there  
  
Somehow here is gone  
  
Yeah./  
  
A/N: Kinda corny I know, but it just begged to be written. I'm not sure I did the best job on this, I wrote it really quickly. Please review! 


End file.
